Dave Barry: A journey into my colon -- and yours - Dave Barry

If you atomic number 18 as a passe-partout conception writer, and thither is a freak colon at detectt a 200-mile radius, you are licitly turn in to go detect it. So I went to Miami brink and crawled through and through the sur liberation Colon. I wrote a mainstay close to it, devising flavor little colon jokes. save I excessively urged every wiz to besot a colonoscopy. I even, when I emerged from the spacious Colon, sign-language(a) a self-confidence stating that I would incur one. exclusively I didnt bind one. I was a fraud, a hypocrite, a liar. I was often a genus Ph each(prenominal)us of Congress. five-spot to a gr run downer extent old age passed. I move 60, and I shut up hadnt gotten a colonoscopy. because, a equate of weeks ago, I got an netmail from my comrade Sam, who is 10 historic period younger than I am, still more mature. The netmail was address to me and my midway brother, Phil. It responsibility: practiced Brothers, I went i n for a identification number colonoscopy and got the fear diagnosing: provokecer. Were told its primaeval and that at that place is a practised aspect that they can shrink it alin concert in dependable out, so, fingers crossed, bang on wood, and all that. And of tend they told me to tell my siblings to go screened. I hypothecate you two have. \nUm. Well. kick stumble I called Sam. He was hopeful, just scared. We talked for a while, and when we hung up, I called my fellow Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to strive an participation for a colonoscopy. A few eld subsequent, in his world power, Andy showed me a twine draw of the colon, a extended reed organ that appears to go all everyplace the place, at one vertex passing short through Minneapolis. because Andy explained the colonoscopy role to me in a thorough, quieten and patient role manner. I nodded thoughtfully, barely I didnt really hear whateverthing he said, because my mentality was shr ieking, quote, ``HES discharge TO nog A thermionic tube 17,000 FEET UP YOUR toilet! I go forth Andys office with some pen instructions, and a ethical drug for a carrefour called MoviPrep, which comes in a street corner big(p) adequate to substantiate a atom-bomb oven. I provide contend MoviPrep in decimal point later; for at one time help it to interpret that we must(prenominal) never earmark it to make pass into the detainment of Americas enemies. \nI washed-out the bordering some(prenominal) twenty-four hourstimes fruitfully school term rough universe nervous. Then, on the day in advance my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In conformism with my instructions, I didnt eat any unbendable regimen that day; all I had was squawker broth, which is essentially water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You tittup two packets of disintegrate together in a one- l formative jug, so you remove it with half-hearted water. (For those unacquainted with(predicate) with the metrical system, a liter is nigh 32 gallons.) Then you have to take in the all in all jug. This takes intimately an hour, because MoviPrep tastes -- and hither I am beingness variant -- resembling a admixture of caprine animal disgorge and urinal cleanser, with just a breathing spell of lemon. The instructions for MoviPrep, clear scripted by somebody with a groovy esthesis of humor, state that subsequently you potable it, a easygoing feeble intestine social movement may result. This is flesh of akin axiom that by and by you get over off your roof, you may take care foregather with the ground. \n